Remind Me Who I Am...

With my recent resignation from our church, and the subsequent church split, I've had a lot more time to read, reflect and journal which has been super helpful, healthy and healing. (Can you tell that I am a Pastor in recovery with my need to use alliteration? :))

Today was like many others from the last month and a half. I met with a good friend for breakfast, and I talked with friends on the phone or via text who are helping me process and work through my anger, frustration, disappointment and identity confusion as I ride this roller-coaster of the vocational search process. Recently I've heard myself say many times, "I feel like I am having a mid-life identity crisis...but 17 years early!"

One blog that has been helpful these last few months is a blog written by our friend, Ruth Graham. Today she had this insight that opened my eyes to the blessing that God has given to all of us, especially to me over these last 8 weeks, and that gift is shock and numbness. Within the context of writing about the horrible tragedies of Oklahoma she had this to say,

Fortunately, God gives the grace of shock. Being in shock grants a numbness which allows time so we can slowly absorb what has taken place. It is a mercy. If we had to absorb it all suddenly, it would be much too overwhelming. So God in His mercy gives us "shock absorbers". Like the dawn that arrives slowly so that we can adjust to the brightness of the sun, we are given time to adjust to what has happened.

In many ways these last 8 weeks have been a "shock absorber" for me. Thanks to the generosity of the Body of Christ here in our town, and especially the generous people at the Waynesboro Mission Church, I've been afforded the blessing to not rush back into life and work but rather to rest and reflect. What a gift!

There have been, and probably will continue to be, many days when I feel in shock. But rather than seeing it as a bad thing, or something to endure, or something to hurry through as soon as possible, I now can see it as God's grace, a traveling mercy, a gift. In this moment in time I am reminded of something my former Pastor and friend would say, in his classic Argentinean smooth and soothing style, "grief is a process, not an event." Indeed!

As I process, God has given me other fellow travelers who are also pastors in recovery (I seem to be meeting a lot of them recently which is scary but also comforting). Through our pain & anger and shared yet different experiences, we've been able to encourage and pray with and for each other. One of these dear saints, a friend from college and seminary, recently reminded me of two songs that have been helpful for him and now whenever I hear them on the radio I think of and pray for him...

and for myself.

For I realize that I am also a "child of the One True King" and that I need to preach that to myself every day. Every minute!

And as I do "I am reminded of who I am." This last line, from Jason Gray's song "Remind Me Who I Am" is a powerful song that I desperately need to hear over and over and over again. (And this video brought tears to my eyes...)

"When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don't want to be, remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, who I am to You..."

"If I'm your beloved, can you help me believe it..."

If you had a cardboard sign, what would your sign say?