Remind Me Who I Am...

With my recent resignation from our church, and the subsequent church split, I've had a lot more time to read, reflect and journal which has been super helpful, healthy and healing. (Can you tell that I am a Pastor in recovery with my need to use alliteration? :))

Today was like many others from the last month and a half. I met with a good friend for breakfast, and I talked with friends on the phone or via text who are helping me process and work through my anger, frustration, disappointment and identity confusion as I ride this roller-coaster of the vocational search process. Recently I've heard myself say many times, "I feel like I am having a mid-life identity crisis...but 17 years early!"

One blog that has been helpful these last few months is a blog written by our friend, Ruth Graham. Today she had this insight that opened my eyes to the blessing that God has given to all of us, especially to me over these last 8 weeks, and that gift is shock and numbness. Within the context of writing about the horrible tragedies of Oklahoma she had this to say,

Fortunately, God gives the grace of shock. Being in shock grants a numbness which allows time so we can slowly absorb what has taken place. It is a mercy. If we had to absorb it all suddenly, it would be much too overwhelming. So God in His mercy gives us "shock absorbers". Like the dawn that arrives slowly so that we can adjust to the brightness of the sun, we are given time to adjust to what has happened.

In many ways these last 8 weeks have been a "shock absorber" for me. Thanks to the generosity of the Body of Christ here in our town, and especially the generous people at the Waynesboro Mission Church, I've been afforded the blessing to not rush back into life and work but rather to rest and reflect. What a gift!

There have been, and probably will continue to be, many days when I feel in shock. But rather than seeing it as a bad thing, or something to endure, or something to hurry through as soon as possible, I now can see it as God's grace, a traveling mercy, a gift. In this moment in time I am reminded of something my former Pastor and friend would say, in his classic Argentinean smooth and soothing style, "grief is a process, not an event." Indeed!

As I process, God has given me other fellow travelers who are also pastors in recovery (I seem to be meeting a lot of them recently which is scary but also comforting). Through our pain & anger and shared yet different experiences, we've been able to encourage and pray with and for each other. One of these dear saints, a friend from college and seminary, recently reminded me of two songs that have been helpful for him and now whenever I hear them on the radio I think of and pray for him...

and for myself.

For I realize that I am also a "child of the One True King" and that I need to preach that to myself every day. Every minute!

And as I do "I am reminded of who I am." This last line, from Jason Gray's song "Remind Me Who I Am" is a powerful song that I desperately need to hear over and over and over again. (And this video brought tears to my eyes...)

"When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don't want to be, remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, who I am to You..."

"If I'm your beloved, can you help me believe it..."

If you had a cardboard sign, what would your sign say? 

The Discipleship of Knowledge or the Discipleship of Obedience? Both!

For the last few months I have been challenged by the words, teaching, exhortation and example of a few godly men in our church who have been impressing into me the idea of the Western Church's need for obedience to DO God's Word. For far too long we have been stuffing our brains with more and more knowledge of the Bible but we aren't applying that knowledge in our lives. For example, these men constantly come back to our need to evangelize so to make disciples thereby living out, and obeying, Christ's Great Commission as seen in Mt. 28:18-20.

"Jesus came and told his disciples, "I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, GO and MAKE disciples of all the nations, BAPTIZING them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. TEACH these new disciples to OBEY all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (NLT, emphasis mine).

As I was doing our Daily Walk Bible reading for today, Walk #124 Ezra 7-8, I was impressed by how many times the scriptures mentioned that God's "gracious hand" was upon Ezra (7:6, 9, 28; 8:18, 31). And as I focused on this truth my eyes also kept coming back to how focused Ezra was on God's Law, God's Word. Now granted, Ezra was a scribe and thus that was his job. But still, it was clear that God's Word was part of his very fabric, his very core being, and it wasn't just his "job." God's Word made him who he was! 

We see this core truth shine brilliantly in 7:10: "This was because Ezra had determined to STUDY and OBEY the Law of the Lord and to TEACH those decrees and regulations to the people of Israel" (NLT, emphasis added). Clearly, there was a discipleship of knowledge going on here because "Ezra had determined to study...the Law of the Lord." He ate the Word, he drank the Word, he learned the Word by osmosis as he slept (or, at least, I wish that could happen!) A discipleship of knowledge can only happen when we make the effort to become "well versed in the Law" (7:6) as we continually keep God's law close at hand (7:14) and in our hearts (Psalm 119:11).

But a discipleship of knowledge is only part of what Ezra had "determined" to do. He also determined to "obey the Law of the Lord and to teach those decrees and regulations to the people..." thus a "discipleship of obedience" as well. I have often found it a funny excuse when people say "I can't teach Sunday School, I don't know enough." The reality is, when you have to teach a group of people you study, and when you study, you learn, and when you learn and then teach what you have learned you are more likely to obey. For far too long, myself included, we have steeped ourselves in a discipleship of knowledge but we have not engaged in a discipleship of obedience. Thus, we fail to be like Ezra and, more importantly, we fail to become Christ-like.

In his commentary on Ezra, Presbyterian pastor Dr. Mark Roberts said this, "study, no matter how important, is not sufficient alone; it must lead to obedience...Jesus made it clear: "My mother and My brothers are these who hear the word of God and DO IT" (Luke 8:21, emphasis added).

Are you longing for God's gracious hand to be upon you? I am! Are you longing to be called a "brother" of  Christ? I am! (Though, if we have already accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior we know we are adopted into His eternal family and are called "children of God." See John 1:12-13, Romans 8:14-17, Galatians 3:26, 1 John 3:1-10.)

"But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it" (James 1:22-25, NLT).